His Breath
by yayyuriyaoi
Summary: Shortly after remus' transformation, serius watches him sleep. Originally a one-shot, but one reader asked that I keep writing it :  so now it's got a second chapter :D
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Remus lay on his back, naked, arms spread eagled under the moonlight. His body was aching, covered in blood, mud and grass stains from the ground below. His eyes were closed. Sirius watched Lupin's eyelashes flutter gently as he slept, occasionally twitching in his dreams.

Sirius smiled, a little protectively.

Although Remus did not realise it, Sirius had watched him after every time he had transformed. He wondered what Lupin dreamt of, whether he dreamed of those nights when he hunted after rabbits, or whether he dreamt of something more human. Sirius wondered whether Remus dreamt of him.

Once Lupin had changed into a human again, James and Peter had walked up to the castle.

"You can take care of him now, right mate?" James had asked, slapping him on the back.

Yes. He could take care of him. In fact, there was nothing Sirius would rather do with his life. Taking care of Remus would be almost as good as having him as a lover.

He gasped. Had he really just thought that? Did he want Remus as more than a friend?

Sirius Black, the boy who had girls swarming around him like flies, the one boy in year 10 who had slept with a girl, the boy who had dated almost all the girls in the year (and other years, as well), was imagining what it would be like to love a boy.

The thought of Remus touching him, Remus' thigh against his, bodies entwined in a passionate embrace... it sent a shiver up his spine. He could feel his heartbeat quickening. He was very aware of the naked body beside him, and Sirius' face began to burn. He groaned.

Remus whimpered softly in his sleep, feature twitching a little. His head rolled on his neck, but he did not wake.

He looked beautiful, Sirius thought. His pale skin gleamed in the moonlight, a silvery-blue shimmer enlivened in the soft rays, pristine except for one long pink scar running down his left side, from his ribs to his hipbone.

Sirius flushed as his gaze hit Remus' hips and forced himself to continue studying his friend's face.

He looked so peaceful, despite his rough night, his long lashes resting faintly on his cheekbones, lips faintly parted. His features were soft, effeminate, his jaw rounded, with a sharp little chin nuzzled into his own collarbone.

It was natural, though, the boy thought. Natural that he should have a regard and affection for his friend. Natural that he should appreciate his friend's beauty... wasn't it?

Yes. That was it. Black rolled over onto his other side, away from Remus. He couldn't look at his friend any longer. He felt like a creep.

Yet, even facing away from the werewolf, he could still sense him. He could feel the fluttering breath on his neck, smell his familiar, earthy scent. That scent filled every cell of Serius' body, heady and familiar. He could hear every breath, and feel every heartbeat.

He was just a friend. They had been friends since childhood. Sirius remembered comforting the werewolf, defending him from bullies. He remembered the way every tear of Remus' was torture to him, but the way Remus clung to him was heaven.

A friend. Just a friend. He shouldn't think about Remus this way. It was... sleazy. Unnatural.

But, just then, Remus rolled over, still sleeping. The other boy tensed as Remus nestled into the crook of his neck, feeling the rise and fall of Lupin's breath against his back., the feeling of his hand loosely around his waist.

Sirius was suddenly very aware of his friend's nakedness. But as he heard Remus' sigh of content, he began to relax. He yawned softly. He was fine where he was. Just for the moment.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Sirius, what the hell?"

The boy opened his eyes fuzzily to see his best friend standing over him, hands on hips, face gradually turning red.

"Ungh... Remus, what's the matter?"

"What's the matter? I just wake up this morning, and I'm in some forest naked, with my arms around _you_!"

The previous night flooded back. Remus, lying there sleeping, putting his arms around his friend... Sirius gulped.

"_You _were the one who hugged me!"

"What, and you didn't think to push me off?"

The two boys glared at each other angrily. Remus could see something in his friend's eyes that he hadn't seen there before... was that... _hurt_? Sirius turned away, blinking.

"What are you looking at!" he snarled. He was blinking back tears, Remus could see now.

"Sirius... I didn't... Moony didn't... _do_ anything... did he?"

Sirius gaped at him. So this was what Remus thought had happened, was it? Well, it gave him an excuse, at least. But he didn't want Remus to feel that guilt. He coughed awkwardly. He could feel his face burning. In a wierd way, he wished Moony had. No, that was sick.

"No... no, I'm fine."

Remus caught his arm.

"What are you upset about, then?" his friend was practically pleading.

"It's nothing. I just need to sleep. Let _go_ of me!" Sirius practically growled the last part.

The werewolf hesitated, his fingers lingering on the other boy's sleeve. He didn't want to let go. Not just yet. He released the animagus from his grasp with a slight sigh.

He watched his friend go, weaving his path through the trees up to the castle. _Shit._

The werewolf collapsed in a heap on the ground, tugging at his hair viciously.

_What the hell have I done?_

But, remembering that morning... the warmth of his friend beneath him, the soft tickle of his hair on Remus' cheek... the earthy scent... it was... it was...

"NO!" the werewolf snarled. "He's your friend. And a guy, as well."

_But it was amazing. Just being with him._

"But nothing! He's a _guy_! It's just hormones! It's the full moon! And Moony wants to band everything in sight right now, so it's not surprising that I'm feeling this way!"

_But it wasn't just lust, was it?_ His thoughts argued back. _You know lust. You felt something for him that was more than just desire. You watched him sleep for fuck's sake._

"Yes, and that makes me a creepy _pervert_ and I would rather just forget about it, thank you."

Lupin clenched his teeth. What was he thinking? Had he gone mad? Probably, bearing in mind he was talking to himself, naked in the middle of a wood.

His hand clenched into a fist, the long, dirty nails biting into the soft flesh of his palm. It hurt, but he didn't care right now.

Remembering Sirius sleeping... the warmth of his body like a fire beneath him, the cute way that his body curled up in a ball, like a little puppy.

The wolf smiled. He could feel his heart fluttering as he remembered every little detail of his friend's sleeping body. The flicker of his eyelashes. The little sighs and moans that he made in his sleep. The twitch of his shoulders, the way he had snuggled into Remus' warm skin. The way his hands had touched Remus'.

Subconsciously, of course, the werewolf assured himself. The dog had been asleep. There was no way he could have known.

Or did he? He seemed hurt when Remus had rebuked him. He had blushed in embarrassment. Did he... like it too? The boy could feel his stomach twisting in knots. He began to button up his shirt. Sirius had looked like he was going to cry. He had never seen his friend like that before. Sirius always made jokes, flirted with the girls, bullied the boys... Remus had never seen him cry.

Sirius had seen the werewolf cry many times. He had always been there for Remus, always had his arms round him. Always there to kiss it better. Not literally, obviously. Remus smiled wryly, tugging on his tie, viciously. Was he disappointed about that?

Maybe. He had never thought about kissing his friend before, but the more he thought about it now, the more it appealed to him. Sirius' lips looked soft, inviting. Almost like a girl's. But, wierdly, he wouldn't _want_ to kiss a girl. He wanted Sirius.

"Don't be an idiot. You _like _girls. You do. One day you'll find the right girl."

But would he? There were plenty of good-looking, pretty girls at Hogwarts. He could see the attractiveness, why the other guys lusted after them, but yet, he didn't feel it himself. But when he looked at Sirius... it was way beyond what he could ever feel for a girl.

Did he want to kiss Sirius? He contemplated it in his head. The idea of kissing another guy was was different to what he had been brought up to think, but _emotionally_, it seemed right. And right that it should be with Sirius Black.

Was he in love with Sirius?

There was only one way to find out.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Okay, so it was official. He would kiss Remus. Sirius stared up at the ceiling in the dorms, memorising every crack and carving in the stone. But how was he to do it? Remus was shy at the best of times. Sirius didn't want to just leap on him. Was Remus romantic? Possibly. As a fellow guy, Sirius didn't tend to ask his friends about what they wanted from love, but Remus had a fascination with the landscape, probably from his wolf blood, and loved to paint. Maybe Sirius could take him up by the lake? Or stay with him while he drew? Maybe he should just do it, instead of sitting around here thinking about it. But he didn't want to scare his friend. Although, he reminded himself, that was inevitable no matter how he did it. Maybe he could take Remus swimming in the lake? No, the werewolf was self-conscious of his scars, and never took his shirt off in public. _Which is a shame_, the animagus thought. _He does have an exceptionally nice chest._ No. Romantic thoughts, romantic thoughts. Not sleaze. The boy sighed and turned over in his bed. Maybe he should just sleep for now, and work it out later.

_I have to kiss Sirius._ The werewolf thought to himself, in the bed opposite his friend's. _I have to know what it's like_. He smiled to himself at the thought. Remus could feel his face flushing a little as he stared at Sirius' back. Not now, though. It had to be at the right time. Which would be difficult seeings as James and Peter were always with them. Wait - James was a prefect now, and did duty on Mondays. If he could only lose Peter at Monday dinner time...

Sirius wasn't romantic. Remus knew that much. If he liked it, he liked it. No point beating round the bush. But what if he didn't like it? Remus dived under the duvet cover, pulling it over his nose in fear. What would he do then? Could Remus pass it off as a joke? Experimentation? Of course, it _was_ just an experiment, the wolf assured himself. Wasn't it? Or... was it? It was hard to tell friendship from love sometimes. It was normal to feel close to a friend, to feel happy to see them. But was it normal to be so worried about what they thought of you? To get butterflies in your stomach everytime you saw them? Remus would have to kiss him to find out. He could just kiss him in the dorm. And hope nobody came in. Wait, was that too risky? Did it even matter? If Sirius didn't like it, he'd probably tell people anyway. And if he did, they'd have to tell people at some point. But then again, it would be embarrassing to be caught.

Maybe he should just see what happens.

_Huh._ Sirius thought during Arithmancy. _Remus isn't looking at me. He hasn't looked at me since yesterday. Is he still mad at me? _The animagus peered at his friend anxiously across the classroom. Remus hadn't sat with him either. He was sitting with Peter, while Sirius chattered away to James. No matter how long the dog talked to James, he couldn't take his eyes off his other friend.

"James," Sirius began. "Is Moony mad at me?"

"Why would he be mad?" asked the other boy.

Sirius flushed. He couldn't answer that one. "Dunno." he lied. "Just hasn't talked to me today."

"Don't worry 'bout it. Probably nothing."

For a split second, Remus turned around, catching Sirius' eye. In this tiny moment, the animagus could feel his heartbeat quicken. Remus had _seen_ him. And Sirius felt even better to see his friend blush a bright red. It was so unexpected. Whether it was in anger, embarrassment or, hopefully, love, he could not tell. But he had to see Remus. No matter how hard the wolf tried to ignore him.

Sirius cornered the werewolf after the lesson finished and pinned him up against the wall.

"You've been avoiding me, Moony." he said quietly.

The boy blushed at the contact, and tried to shake himself free. "Don't be stupid."

"You know you have." the animagus growled. "Why? Have I said something to hurt you? Have I done something? Just _tell me what it is!_"

The cub made no reply.

Sirius raised his hand. The other flinched, expecting pain. But none came. The hand rested on Remus' cheek, stroking it softly. The puppy blushed again.

"It's cute when you do that." Sirius murmured, leaning in.

For a split second, their noses touched. A soft nuzzle like they did in their animal forms. A familiar sign of affection.

Lupin gasped. Sirius was so close. In just a few milliseconds they would...

"Hey! Guys! What the hell are you doing? Don't fight!" James came running towards them, shouting.

Sirius let go of the other boy's robes, huffing in annoyance.

"We weren't fighting."

James raised his eyebrows in disbelief. "You had him pinned to the wall, Sirius. And you were talking about how Moony was mad at you earlier."

"We were... just... we were..." Okay, so fighting was less embarrassing.

He tried not to look at Remus. Remus tried not to look back, staring blankly at his feet.

"Merlin's beard, what's gotten into you guys today? What's this argument about anyway?"

"Arithmancy homework..." said Sirius.

"Sirius turned my quill into a toad." said Remus. They looked at each other. Damn, different excuses.

Their friend laughed shortly. "Looks like you're both arguing about different things. See, this is what happens when you don't talk to your friends!"

The other two boys laughed shakily. That had been close.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

_Jeez. _Thought Remus. _So damn close._ He thumped the pillow, angrily. Well, at least he knew Sirius was willing now. Unless he had misinterpreted the signals, which was possible, he supposed. But what now? When could he get Sirius on his own again? Peter was a drip, always following them around, but if he could just get Sirius alone for a moment...

Suddenly he smiled, and sat up in bed. Reaching for his quill and ink, he tore out a page from his diary.

"_Dear Pads," _ he muttered as he wrote. _"meet me in the library at ten o'clock tonight. Love from..." _ here he paused, and crossed out the "love". Too obvious, he thought. _"From Moony."_

Library it was. He slipped it under Sirius' pillow. That was the way they had always communicated with his friend, ever since they were in Primary school, when they used to send secret messages. Mainly about insignificant little things, admittedly, such as "secret" clubs, and other little made-up children's games. But sometimes it was important. Like about Moony's transformations.

The werewolf gulped. He couldn't believe he was about to do this. It was six o'clock now. Time for dinner in the great hall. He wasn't hungry now, though. It was a rare occurance that he wasn't hungry. He was as skinny and tiny as ever, but he came with the wolf's appetite, especially for meat. Sirius always teased him about his love for raw beef, and it did seem wierd that he still loved it in human form, but he guessed some things weren't in black and white. Some things crossed over. Sometimes you just didn't know where one thing ended and another began, like his friendship and love for Sirius. He lay down on the bed and thought.

Sirius went back to the dorm at nine, wondering why his friend hadn't been at supper. Raw beef had always appeared on Moony's plate, and at this time of night he really got a craving for it. It was unlike him to miss it.

But Moony wasn't in the dorm. Sirius changed, and was just about to go to bed when he felt something under his pillow.

_"Dear Pads,"_ he read. _"meet me in the library at ten o'clock tonight. From Moony."_

The letter seemed formal, abrupt. He rolled the parchment back up again. Was Remus angry at him for what happened? Had his advances been unwanted?

The animagus felt scared now. Would he loose his friend? Especially as it was now so obvious how he felt.

He slid off the bed and put on his dressing gown. "Lumos." he whispered to his wand, and he crept downstairs. He would find Moony. He would reassure him, somehow that it wasn't what it looked like. _Except it was._ A nagging little voice in his head whispered. _Can you think up an excuse for almost kissing a guy? _A guy. He had almost kissed a _guy_. There was something wrong about how he felt. He knew he shouldn't feel like this. But at the same time, it felt so right, it didn't _feel_ wrong, despite everything the Black family had ever told him. The Blacks were not only racist towards muggle-borns. They were homophobic too. And if they ever found out about Sirius...

But Sirius didn't care what they thought any more. He almost laughed in surprise at his own feelings. How they would react when they found out their son was in love with a male, muggle-born werewolf... he grinned quietly to himself. Brilliant.

And anyway, it was worth it for Remus. If he had to do this for anyone, it would be for his best friend. To turn away from the Black family was nothing in comparison to the happiness that Remus could give him.

He stood outside the library now, and he could see a faint light coming from inside. "Remus..." he whispered, and ventured in.

Remus stood in the corner of the library, waiting for Sirius to come. Several times he almost left. He wasn't sure if he could go through with this. He felt so nervous, he felt sick in the pit of his stomach. Every inch of his skin was trembling. He was cold. He wanted to feel his friend's warmth beside him, heating up every cell in his body. Wolves were meant to be tough, he scolded himself. He was nothing but a cub, really. A wimp, who felt the cold and flinched at every flickering shadow in the darkened library. God, a werewolf who was afraid of the dark? There's a new one.

The door creaked in the corner of the library. He jumped, as a light entered.

"S...Sirius?" he squeaked.

The librarian bustled in, buried beneath a mountain of chattering books.

Remus tried to control his breathing. If he was quiet, she might not notice him. Especially with that racket of wizarding literature. But the door creaked open once more. This time it really was Sirius.

Sirius opened the door. "Remus... are you there?" he called.

He could see a figure in robes coming towards him. "Remus?" he asked again.

"Black, isn't it?" snapped the severe voice of the librarian. "What are you doing up this late? You are _meant_ to be in your dorm. I'm surprised you haven't been caught by a teacher already. Fifty points from Griffindor." she softened slightly. "I won't give you a detention this time, Black, but if I find you here out of hours again, you'll be stacking books for a year! Be off with you!"

The boy scarpered back to the dorm, and collapsed on his bed. Where was Remus? Had he stood him up? Was he in trouble? If the teachers ever found him, they'd...

"Hey, Pads." said a small voice in his ear. Sirius turned over to see his friend on the edge of his bed.

He sat up. "Moony. I was worried they might have caught you."

"I managed to sneak out when Madam Pince went to get coffee. Do you know she drinks coffee in the middle of the night?"

The animagus chuckled. "I got caught by her. She wasn't too bad actually. I expected worse with my reputation."

"Yes, we all know you're a very bad boy."

The animagus stared at him. The other boy blushed profusely, nearing a scarlet colour, this time. "Sorry, that came out wrong."

Sirius smirked for a moment. "Yeah, but I am."

Grabbing his friend's hair, he wrestled him to the bed. Remus' long fingernails dug into the soft flesh on his back in surprise. "Sirius!" he squeaked. "What are you doing?"

"_This_ is what I'm doing."

Straddling Remus' hips, he leant over. They were so close. Remus could feel Sirius' breath on his lips, Sirius' black hair tickling his cheek, Sirius' hand on his chest.

"What are you doing?" a voice screamed.

"I told you, I'm... oh."

Sirius suddenly realised it was not Remus who had spoken. Standing over the bed was Peter.

"Are you trying to kill him?" squeaked the boy. "We all know you've been fighting recently, but this has gone too far!"

Sirius jumped off his friend. "Please, Peter! Don't tell anyone! It's not what it looks like! We were just... Remus tell him."

The other boy sat up, and gazed at Peter. "It's getting close to my time of the month and I got violent. Sirius needed to subdue me."

Sirius stared at him. When did Remus become so fluent at lying?

"Thanks, Sirius. I think I'm fine now." Remus patted his friend on the back. "You can go back to bed now, if you want. I'm going to the hospital wing, just in case."

And with that, he was gone.

_You bastard, Peter, _thought Sirius.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Six

It was awkward the next day. They had been so close to kissing the night before, it was unbearable for either of them to think about it. They were silent, although it was not unpleasant. The only thing that Serius couldn't stand was that they had been so damn _close_! He wouldn't have minded if anything had actually happened. He would have been delighted. But the knowing that something could have happened and didn't was _excruciating_. Remus couldn't stand the idea that Peter might have guessed. Peter wasn't the brightest creature on the planet, and the wolf knew that, but it had been fairly obvious what was happening, and he was pretty sure at least James would have twigged. But they didn't say anything, so Remus just had to assume neither Peter nor James knew.

James babbled on as usual, completely oblivious to the tension around him. Peter had mysteriously disappeared, which made Remus feel uneasy. Wormy always hung round with them, but he didn't now. Did he know? Sirius kept glancing nervously at Remus' face. The werewolf hadn't seemed to mind last night. He was a bit shocked, certainly, but he hadn't struggled, and he hadn't told Sirius to stop. He remembered what it what like to have Remus' soft, warm flesh beneath him, the excited quiver of his body, and the adorable little gasp he had made. Why did it have to have stopped there? Stupid rat. Meanwhile, Remus Lupin stared blankly at his feet. He could feel his friend staring at him, and it made him blush deeply. Urgh, he _hated_ reacting so obviously. It would give him away. Not to mention he felt like a girl all the time.

"Hey!" said James suddenly. "I've got an idea." He had a dangerous glint in his eye, which made Remus look at him worriedly.

"What?" the werewolf asked suspiciously.

"They've been saying there's a giant in the forbidden forest. D'you wanna see if we can find him."

The blonde boy sighed. There was no stopping James when he went off on an I-smell-danger-quest. But he would try anyway. "No. Are you _insane_? Do you know how dangerous those things are?"

"That's the idea, Moony." the spectacled boy grinned.

"C'mon, Moony, it'll be fun!" coaxed Padfoot.

Remus growled.

Somehow, he managed to be dragged off into the forest. _Oh no._ He thought. _My cowardly side's kicking in. I thought griffindors were meant to be brave?_

Something snapped. He jumped. The wind whistled through the trees, making a sound that was almost a scream. He crouched behind Sirius, clinging to his friend's sleeve.

He could feel his legs shake beneath him, threatening to give way. Inadvertently he felt his eyes well up, and streams of tears rolled down his cheeks.

"I..want...to...go... back...now." he was struggling to contain his sobs, gulping down mouthfuls of icy air into his lungs. It burned.

Sirius turned round and stared at the other boy's face. "Remus... are you okay?"

The puppy wiped away the tears roughly. "Yeah...I'm...I'm fine." he tried to sound nonchalent. "I'd just like to go back now."

The animagus glanced round. James was far ahead now. He touched Remus' face gently. "Are you crying?"

"N...n...no."

"You always were a bad liar, Rem." the boy pecked his friend on the top of his head. "C'mon. Let's get you back."

He called to James, who had apparently forgotten them. "Remus isn't feeling well. We're going to the hospital wing. You go back to bed, too. I'm not gonna deal with any questions about this. 'Sides, it's dangerous. Not that you care, but we do."

James turned back and nodded. "Okay. See you later then." He began to plod back up to the school.

When they were alone, Sirius grabbed his friend's hand, and took him up by the lake. They lay facing each other in the darkness, counting the other's breath every second. Remus didn't know if the moon shone on the water, or if the stars shone brightly. He didn't care. He just wanted to look at his friend for now.

The animagus stroked the werewolf's face gently. "You're so silly, Rem. You know you don't need to be afraid when I'm here. You know that time when we were kids? I said I'd always be there to protect you, right?"

"You're such a cheesy bastard, aren't you?"

"I meant it."

"I know. But one day, we're going to grow up, and you won't always be there."

"I will!" Sirius almost snarled this last bit. "Rem, I only _ever_ want to be by your side, and if you don't want me there, you can stick it, 'cause I'm not budging."

Remus sighed. "You know I didn't mean that... Serius?"

"Remus?"

"I love you."

The animagus smiled back at him, brushing Remus' cheek gently with one hand.

They leant in, slowly, Serius resting a thumb on the werewolf's lower lip.

"I love you too." he whispered.

A kiss worth waiting for.


End file.
